Auntie Helga's Christmas Carol

Narrator: Welcome Lades and Gentlemen to It's not a masterpiece-but-we're-going-to-show-it-to-you-anyway theater. Today, we're going to be reading a wonderful book, which is called "Auntie Helga's Christams Carol". It's a little but like Charles Dickinson's Christmas Carol, but not at all, so just forget all about that and pretend this is brand new. Thank you.

Auntie Helga is sitting at a table, drinking wine and writing in a book while counting money.

Cratchet approaches

Cratchet: Excuse me sir.

Helga: What do you want?!

Cratchet: Can I have some money, augh, to go to the Gap? It's..aweful cold inside.

Helga: No.

Cratchet: Errgh,

Cratchet leaves

Helga: I supposed you want Christmas off too.

Cratchet: Well..that'd be nice

Helga: I wasn't suggesting it. Get out of my sight and work more.

Cratchet is poking the coals to get more heat

Helga: Stop fooling with the fire.

Cratchet: Oh, but it's aweful cold, can I put some coal in?

Helga: No, just wear a sweater.

Cratchet: But, you said I couldn't go to the gap. I have no other clothes.

Helga: No excuse!

Cratchet is seen biting finger to get blood in order to write.

Cratchet: Excuse me, could I please have Christmas off?

Helga: No

Cratchet: My child is going to die.

Helga: I'll give you a half-day off. (Bursts out laughing)

Cratchet: Well could I have a pen?

Helga: No

Cratchet: Why not! (Bites finger again and resumes writing)

Cratchet returns home and his daughter is milling about the room.

Cratchet: Hello,

He runs his finger along the table and inspects the dust it gathered

Cratchet: Dust? How long do you have to live anyway?

Daughter: 6 days

Cratchet: Hmm, then you should get started on this soon.

Daughter is shown dead on the floor. Cratchet walks in

Cratchet: She didn't dust. (Looks at floor) The doctor said it would take six days...It's only been TWO!

View of the inside of Auntie Helga's house

Helga: I could have sworn I saw Marley in that door knocker.

She waddles up the stairs and falls. She then enters her room and looks out her window.

Helga: Oooh, carolers

She opens the windows and Du Hast is heard. She starts head banging, but something catches her eye

Helga: Huuuuuuhh, it's MARLEY! Marley, you're playing with my computer games.

Marley is playing Grand Theft Auto

Marley: Sooorry.

Helga: How are you doing?

Marley: Ok, how are you? Uh oh. I got it, I got it. (As he kills a cop with his own cop car)

Marley: Oh, I forgot to wear my make-up. I'll be right

Marley: I'm baaack. I'm back. I'm back

Helga: Marley, what are you doing here?

Marley: Remember I said I'd go get my make-up on.

Helga: No, I mean back form the dead. You died five years ago.

Marley: Oh yeah, that. Well, I came back to warn you.

Marley wanders off

Marley returns

Helga: Warn me of what?

Marley: Warn you that you are going to be in trouble if you don't be a good person.

Helga: I am a good person. I give my people lots of coal. Marley: you didn't

Helga: I do

Marley: No you don't

Helga: I send them to the gap

Marley: No you didn't

Helga: I gave them a ballpoint pen

Marley: No you didn't!

Helga: Fine

Marley: Tonight, you'll be visited by three ghosts and they're going to look a lot like me. But that's because we didn't have any spare ghosts. So they're going to teach you lessons, and you're going to be a happy person, and you're going to have a happy ending, and you going to buy a goose and give it to Cratchet.

Helga: You done.

Marley: No!

Helga: Maah

Marley: I'm not. I have to fly out the window.

Helga: You can't

Marley: How about the other window.

Auntie Helga is sleeping and wakes up the midnight bells.

Helga: It's 12 o'clock and there's no ghosts, Marley was wrong and I was right. I'm goin to...

The ghost of Christmas Past appears; he is very small

Past: I'm right heeerree.

Helga: Who are you?

Past: I'm the ghost of Christmas Pahst.

Helga: Pahst?

Past: Past.

Helga: What are we doing in the past?

Past: We're not there, you have to come with me. Come on.

Past and Helga are looking at a field.

Helga: I remember this place. I was here everyday.

Past: No no, we just stopped here for lunch, you've neve been here before in your life.

Helga: Oh, humph

They travel through time. A red-head is seen walking.

Past: There you go, you're sad and it's Christmas. Now don't you just want to go home because you're depressed, I see you do. Well, we're out of time, so let's go home. Ohp, there' you go.

Helga: That's good, changed forever, goodnight. A bell rings and wakes up Auntie Helga.

Helga: Ahha, no more ghosts (Falls asleep)

View pans up to a large figure: The Ghost of Christmas Present

Present: Good evening.

Helga: Ahah, wha what. Who are you?

Present: I am the ghost of christmas present.

Helga: I'm in the present.

Present: Yes, you are.

Helga: Yes

Present: No you have to go see Christmas

Helga: I've seen Christmas, he's pretty big a pretty fat.

Present: That's SANTA!

Helga: Ahah, Father Christmas, you didn't say it was real Christmas.

Present: The Christmas, the day. Come with me. Lead the way.

At Cratchets house. He is sitting down with the skull of his daughter in a cane.

Present: Come here. Faster...faster...faster.

Helga: I got it. Where are we now?

Present: We are in the home of Bob Cratchet.

Helga: Who's Bob Cratchet?

Present: He works for you.

Helga: Oh, I knew that

Present: You did not give him a pen.

Helga: I gave him a pen.

Present: You did not.

Helga: I gave him Christmas off.

Present: You did not.

Helga: I did, I gave him half a day.

Present: You did not, you gave him half a day. That's not good enough. How is he supposed to eat Christmas dinner AND open his presents? HMMM! Answer that.

Helga: Christmas day is a half a day.

Present: No, NO!.

Helga: Yes

Present: He's having a conversation with what he thinks is Timmy. But Timmy is now dead. Listen.

Cratchet: Sooo, Timmy-tubby. *sigh* You never dusted. I'm...I'm ashamed.

Present: Only you can prevent him from having the horrible realization. You, have to break the news to him, when you wake up. Let's go. I need to sit down.

Auntie Helga is in bed and another bell rings. She is woken up by the Scream guy. He hands a phone to her.

Helga: Hello?

Scream: Hello.

Helga: Hello?

Scream: Hello.

Helga: Hello?

Scream: Hello!

Helga: What.

Scream: Come with me.

They leave. Later the ghost of Christmas Future shows up.

Future: Hello? Where'd he go? Uh, where's Scrooge? Scrooge? Agh, now what am I going to do. Oh no, this is bad, uh oh uh oh.

Auntie Helga and the Scream Guy arrive at a Christmas tree.

Helga: So what's the point of this? Oh a candycane, ginger bread thing. Alright, I've learned enough. Time to go home.

Meanwhile the Scream Guy is trying to stab her. Then she leaves and the ghost of Christmas Future arrives.

Future: Hello, hello. I am the ghost of Christmas future. Have you seen Scrooge? Have you seen Scrooge?

Scream: Huh?

Future: Have you seen Scrooge?

Scream: I dunno.

Future: Oh well...

Future: I am the ghost of Christmas future.

Scream guy stabs him. He dies.

Someone: Oh my gosh, they killed death.

Auntie Helga is back in bed and wakes up

Helga: Oh, it's Christmas. I haven't missed it after all.

Pulls herself up to a high window, and opens it.

Helga: Hey, you boy down there.

Boy: Yeah?

Helga: Go down to the store and buy the largest turkey you can find.

Boy: The big 50 lbs one?

Helga: Yes, that one, and hurry. Bring it back here.

Auntie Helga is at a table eating the turkey. She cuts a slice and feeds it to Cratchet who is begging next to the table.

Helga: And to all a good night.

Cratchet: Mmm, thank you sir.