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Narrator: Welcome Lades and Gentlemen to It's not a masterpiece-but-we're-going-to-show-it-to-you-anyway
theater. Today, we're going to be reading a wonderful book, which is called "Auntie Helga's Christams Carol".
It's a little but like Charles Dickinson's Christmas Carol, but not at all, so just forget all about that
and pretend this is brand new. Thank you.Auntie Helga is sitting at a table, drinking wine and writing in a book while counting money.
Cratchet: Excuse me sir. Helga: What do you want?! Cratchet: Can I have some money, augh, to go to the Gap? It's..aweful cold inside. Helga: No. Cratchet: Errgh, Cratchet leaves Helga: I supposed you want Christmas off too. Cratchet: Well..that'd be nice Helga: I wasn't suggesting it. Get out of my sight and work more. Cratchet is poking the coals to get more heat Helga: Stop fooling with the fire. Cratchet: Oh, but it's aweful cold, can I put some coal in? Helga: No, just wear a sweater. Cratchet: But, you said I couldn't go to the gap. I have no other clothes. Helga: No excuse! Cratchet is seen biting finger to get blood in order to write. Cratchet: Excuse me, could I please have Christmas off? Helga: No Cratchet: My child is going to die. Helga: I'll give you a half-day off. (Bursts out laughing) Cratchet: Well could I have a pen? Helga: No Cratchet: Why not! (Bites finger again and resumes writing) Cratchet returns home and his daughter is milling about the room. Cratchet: Hello,
Cratchet: Dust? How long do you have to live anyway? Daughter: 6 days Cratchet: Hmm, then you should get started on this soon. Daughter is shown dead on the floor. Cratchet walks in Cratchet: She didn't dust. (Looks at floor) The doctor said it would take six days...It's only been TWO! View of the inside of Auntie Helga's house Helga: I could have sworn I saw Marley in that door knocker.
Helga: Oooh, carolers She opens the windows and Du Hast is heard. She starts head banging, but something catches her eye Helga: Huuuuuuhh, it's MARLEY! Marley, you're playing with my computer games. Marley is playing Grand Theft Auto Marley: Sooorry. Helga: How are you doing? Marley: Ok, how are you? Uh oh. I got it, I got it. (As he kills a cop with his own cop car) Marley: Oh, I forgot to wear my make-up. I'll be right back..um..dead.
Helga: Marley, what are you doing here? Marley: Remember I said I'd go get my make-up on. Helga: No, I mean back form the dead. You died five years ago. Marley: Oh yeah, that. Well, I came back to warn you. Marley wanders off Marley returns Helga: Warn me of what? Marley: Warn you that you are going to be in trouble if you don't be a good person. Helga: I am a good person. I give my people lots of coal. Marley: I...no you didn't Helga: I do Marley: No you don't Helga: I send them to the gap Marley: No you didn't Helga: I gave them a ballpoint pen Marley: No you didn't! Helga: Fine Marley: Tonight, you'll be visited by three ghosts and they're going to look a lot like me. But that's because we didn't have any spare ghosts. So they're going to teach you lessons, and you're going to be a happy person, and you're going to have a happy ending, and you going to buy a goose and give it to Cratchet. Helga: You done. Marley: No! Helga: Maah Marley: I'm not. I have to fly out the window. Helga: You can't Marley: How about the other window. Auntie Helga is sleeping and wakes up the midnight bells. Helga: It's 12 o'clock and there's no ghosts, Marley was wrong and I was right. I'm goin to... The ghost of Christmas Past appears; he is very small Past: I'm right heeerree. Helga: Who are you? Past: I'm the ghost of Christmas Pahst. Helga: Pahst? Past: Past. Helga: What are we doing in the past? Past: We're not there, you have to come with me. Come on. Past and Helga are looking at a field. Helga: I remember this place. I was here everyday. Past: No no, we just stopped here for lunch, you've neve been here before in your life. Helga: Oh, humph
Past: There you go, you're sad and it's Christmas. Now don't you just want to go home because you're depressed, I see you do. Well, we're out of time, so let's go home. Ohp, there' you go. Helga: That's good, changed forever, goodnight. A bell rings and wakes up Auntie Helga. Helga: Ahha, no more ghosts (Falls asleep)
Present: Good evening. Helga: Ahah, wha what. Who are you? Present: I am the ghost of christmas present. Helga: I'm in the present. Present: Yes, you are. Helga: Yes Present: No you have to go see Christmas Helga: I've seen Christmas, he's pretty big a pretty fat. Present: That's SANTA! Helga: Ahah, Father Christmas, you didn't say it was real Christmas. Present: The Christmas, the day. Come with me. Lead the way. At Cratchets house. He is sitting down with the skull of his daughter in a cane. Present: Come here. Faster...faster...faster. Helga: I got it. Where are we now? Present: We are in the home of Bob Cratchet. Helga: Who's Bob Cratchet? Present: He works for you. Helga: Oh, I knew that Present: You did not give him a pen. Helga: I gave him a pen. Present: You did not. Helga: I gave hiom Christmas off. Present: You did not. Helga: I did, I gave him half a day. Present: You did not, you gave him half a day. That's not good enough. How is he supposed to eat Christmas dinner AND open his presents? HMMM! Answer that. Helga: Christmas day is a half a day. Present: No, NO!. Helga: Yes Present: He's having a conversation with what he thinks is Timmy. But Timmy is now dead. Listen. Cratchet: Sooo, Timmy-tubby. *sigh* You never dusted. I'm...I'm ashamed. Present: Only you can prevent him from having the horrible realization. You, have to break the news to him, when you wake up. Let's go. I need to sit down. Auntie Helga is in bed and another bell rings. She is woken up by the Scream guy. He hands a phone to her. Helga: Hello? Scream: Hello. Helga: Hello? Scream: Hello. Helga: Hello? Scream: Hello! Helga: What. Scream: Come with me. They leave. Later the ghost of Christmas Future shows up. Future: Hello? Where'd he go? Uh, where's Scrooge? Scrooge? Agh, now what am I going to do. Oh no, this is bad, uh oh uh oh. Auntie Helga and the Scream Guy arrive at a Christmas tree. Helga: So what's the point of this? Oh a candycane, ginger bread thing. Alright, I've learned enough. Time to go home.
Future: Hello, hello. I am the ghost of Christmas future. Have you seen Scrooge? Have you seen Scrooge? Scream: Huh? Future: Have you seen Scrooge? Scream: I dunno. Future: Oh well... Future: I am the ghost of Christmas future. Scream guy stabs him. He dies. Someone: Oh my gosh, they killed death. Auntie Helga is back in bed and wakes up Helga: Oh, it's Christmas. I haven't missed it after all. Pulls herself up to a high window, and opens it. Helga: Hey, you boy down there. Boy: Yeah? Helga: Go down to the store and buy the largest turkey you can find. Boy: The big 50 lbs one? Helga: Yes, that one, and hurry. Bring it back here.
Helga: And to all a good night. Cratchet: Mmm, thank you sir. |
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Contact: decemberized@decemberized.com |
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| ©1980-Y2K by Dann Thombs and Decemberized.com. Actually I don`t have it copyrighted, I have these imaginary lawyers guys who are all like "yo", he owns this stuff, so like don`t go taking it, or they lawyers will get all wu-tang on you, and then the voice dubbings will be all messed up and no one likes that. Um..I like made the design and I`m going to plug my site now, so go here and view the madness that ensues. There`s like some weird cartoons and some irc stats and logs. The logs are pretty funny because people act so stupid while they`re online, and never realize that it`s all being recorded and then posted on my website. Like one time this canadian got drunk and couldn`t even spell right. Like worse than normal, and it was just so funny but I don`t want to promote alcohol or anything, cause that makes you weird and stuff. Oh yeah, I showed this dude a picture of bostonchick from qcon, and he like kicked me out of the chat channel, but I guess he had a right, she was mad nasty annnnd she was drinking beer, so you see what that does to you. Oh and another time we were thinking of names for half-life 2, and I said Half-life: Won authorization failed, and I felt proud of me cause people liked it cause it`s like so true and stuff. But I haven`t had a problem with WON yet, which is good, since I don`t want to be blocked from multiplayer games because someone else did`t want to shell out the $50 to buy the game. That would be totally bad. But I have heard about people not being able to get one because their WON number got taken But maybe they`re lying, but they try to get mine, and I`m like "no way dude" but they keep trying and ask why not and I have to put my foot down and say "I can`t" and stuff, but cie la swedish and they say. Silly swedish. Oh and channel #half-life is evil so like don`t go there, cause the people are bad, and ban people for any reason, so go to #valve on the undernet cause I`m there, and just say "hey dann" and I`ll say "hey there" or "sup" or something but you`ll want to make sure I`m there first cause if I`m not I won`t be able to say anything, but I think you`re smart and will be able to figure it out and stuff. Hmmm, guess that`s it, bye.... |